Iowa, USA — In a stunning turn of Midwest bravado, a new poll from X (formerly Twitter, now just vibes) reveals that 90% of Iowans fully support Donald Trump’s latest tariffs on Chinese shipping, claiming it’s the only way to “save American trade routes” and “teach Beijing some barnyard manners.”
The snap poll, taken just hours after Trump declared a 35% levy on “every Chinese ship that even thinks about touching the Pacific,” signals a surge of populist energy in the heartland. One farmer summed it up best:
“They take our money, we take their exports. Let’s see who flinches first.”
Another respondent reportedly added, “We don’t need their cargo—America has beans, beef, and backbone.”
Supporters flooded Truth Social with eggplant emojis and battle cries like “Trade Wars Build Character” and “Sail Home, Xi!” Trump reposted the poll seven times in one hour, tagging it with #SeaTheVictory and “This is the greatest comeback in trade history, and it’s only Tuesday.”
But not everyone’s on board with the armchair naval warfare.
Shipping companies in California are quietly panicking, warning of empty ports and holiday shortages. “We just recovered from the pandemic,” said one port operator. “Now we’re playing chicken with container ships?”
Global markets didn’t take it well either. The Hang Seng index dipped like a bruised banana. Oil ticked up. Soybeans had a nervous breakdown.
Still, in Iowa, the mood is upbeat—even celebratory.
Local stores began selling “Tariff Tough” t-shirts and Trump-shaped stress balls labeled “Squeeze China Out.” One rural diner added a new breakfast item:
“The Trade Route Slammer” – three eggs, red meat, and a side of “freedom fries taxed at 35%.”
Political analysts are baffled. “It’s the first time in modern polling that Americans have cheered for paying more for imported electronics,” said one D.C. strategist. “It’s like economic masochism meets Fourth of July fever.”
Meanwhile, China issued a rare, ice-cold statement:
“We do not engage in agricultural fantasies. We will redirect our ships to more stable waters.”
To which Trump replied on Truth Social, “GOOD. Maybe they’ll find Dubai’s fake islands more their style. America doesn’t roll over. America rolls tariffs.”
Rumors are swirling that Trump plans to double down by launching a “Trade Freedom Fleet” made entirely of repurposed Carnival cruise ships filled with corn and swagger.
And just when it seemed the news cycle couldn’t get stranger, former advisor Peter Navarro claimed this is all part of “a long-game to bring back the spice trade.”
Stay tuned for updates as the corn-fueled conflict escalates, the Midwest braces for economic whiplash, and Trump prepares his next battlefield: the Suez Canal.
